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Because of smart phones my thumbs now have biceps.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
Somedays I feel like running away. Then I remember how much I hate running.
Exaggerations went up a million percent last year.
Weird how “news” and “fact checking” are treated like two separate concepts these days.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
Dimples are considered a facial muscledeformity in the medical world.
I´m not insensitive, I just don´t care.
I just want to be rich enough to be referred to as eccentric instead of crazy.
Apparently, "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"