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Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!
It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
It may look like I’m having really deep thoughts but 99% of the time I’m just thinking about what food I’m going to eat later.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
to do list: buy a parrot. teach the parrot to say, "Help!! I`ve been turned into a parrot!"
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Jack daniel was found dead by johnie walker at castle strt under savanna tree,captain morgan believed dat he was killed by strongbow.his 4cuzns said that he was best in j&b club at knights...
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Do I misuse contractions? Yes, but it`s what it`s.
Beer never asks me if I think another beer is prettier than it.