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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades........... Wait till summer... Enjoy!
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats! Many of you are about to be grandparents!
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it`s just a cake?
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
My girlfriend asked me to send some dirty pics. So I sent her a picture of my sink full of dishes. :)
Do you ever wish that you could just unmeet someone.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
Iām moving to Africa. Apparently there I can eat for 12 cents a day.
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I`m not sure what it means.