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Seems like my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
No, I didn`t accidentally pocket dial you, I wanted you to hear me eat lunch.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
These old people at the bus stop really suck at paintball.
Bipolar smile :(: ...... Gets um everytime !
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
You might think you`re smart until you try using someone else`s microwave.
You’re one of those women that my mom warned me about…Here’s my number.
I got kicked out of a Yoga class today. Apparently, your not supposed to do the `Downward Dog` on top of another person.
Just realized the irony of putting Bacon on my VeggieBurger..........
Sure, I`ll show up at your Halloween Party... I`ll be coming as the invisible man....