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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
Rawwrrr means I love you in dinosaur. Everyone knows that, silly
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
Can only please one person a day. Today isn’t your day
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
I really want to take photos of my friends with their face smushed against glass.. Then make that pic my phone contact for them.. Then when they call, it will look like they`re trapped inside my phone! Oh god my life is pitiful, kill me..
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
It`s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
been there, done that, wrote the book and have the t-shirt to prove it. What more do you want!
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.