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True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
My bank called because they noticed ‘highly suspicious activity’ on my charge account. It was for a gym membership.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.