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If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
If I had a mood ring on today, it`d be flashing like a disco ball!
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
What supermarket did the pilgrims visit to purchase their canned gelatin cranberry sauce? I want my Thanksgiving to be authentic.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
i got a dig bick..........how many read that wrong
It`s hard to trust people. Even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The point of no return sounds like a fun vacation spot.
I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces at the pond today.