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I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
I’m in a long distance relationship. Sure, some people refer to it as a restraining order, but still.
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
If you catch me in the morning in a yoga position... more than likely I passed out drunk that way.
It’s funny that old people need handicap parking spots but they always manage to pick up a penny off the ground.
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
The only F word out a woman`s mouth that scares me is "fine."
This status has been censored by Facebook
Women want a lot of things from one man. Conversely, men want one thing from a lot of women.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
You know what the trouble about real life is? There`s no danger music.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
My ice bucket challenge: 1. Buy bucket 2. Add ice 3. Add 12 beers 4. Sign into FB and drink
Are you still bored? Head over to Walmart, take a box of condoms to the checkout clerk, and ask where the fitting room is.