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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
Have you hugged you bartender today.
Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Facebook is the best place to say whatever you want. If it doesn’t go over well you can just say you were hacked.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I`m an optimist. To me, the glass is always half alcohol.
This status could be yours for 3 easy payment of $8.99, get in quick because this offer won`t last for long, infact there are only 5 left.
I keep having this dream that I`m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
It´s not that I hate you, it´s just.. well I´ll put it this way.. if you were on fire & I had water, I´d drink it.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.