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The only thing I`m really learning from this 401K meeting at work this morning is that I`ll probably never be able to retire.
I’m crazy but not “LeBron is better than Jordan” crazy.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Imagine being naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and everyone wants to touch you. That is the life of a dog.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
I DON`T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Louie...the name I`ve given this meatball sub.)
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problem 99% demons.
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
I`m at my most popular when I just want to be alone.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
"I’m definitely going to do that tomorrow.” — Me being delusional