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I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
Just because it`s a bad idea, doesn`t mean it`s not going to be a good time.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science.
Bitches be trippin..... ok, maybe I pushed that one.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Pro tip: The kids run around a little longer if you forget to hide the eggs
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
When one door closes, another one opens.... That`s when you realize that you`ve bought a really bad second hand car.
Why did you have to take a half naked picture in front of a full length mirror to show off your new haircut?
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Seen it all, done it all, can´t remember most of it.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.