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Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
I`m going to get one of those "My Family" stick figure decals for the back of my car. It`s going to be me, a bottle of whiskey, and a pizza.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Imagine all the amazing places you could take naps if you were Superman.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
"This is so wrong," I say excitedly, my heart racing, my hands trembling.. as I butter a doughnut
at my age, the best part of waking up is the fact that I did wake up
Cheered myself up earlier by putting a "no U-turn" sign in a dead-end street.