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Can`t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.
My family says I talk in my sleep but nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
Her dad said he`d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.
I`ve officially met everyone`s mother yesterday via Facebook so I`m pretty sure that takes me out of the friend zone here ladies
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.