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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I`m sticking to my guns ... I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
is spending my children´s inheritance.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I don’t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
When I get married I plan on introducing my spouse as my ex-fiancé just to mess with people.