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I hate it when I buy organic veggies but when I get them home I find out they are regular frosted donuts...
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
That awkward moment when you try to zoom in on Instagram and remember that you’re an idiot.
I don`t have issues... I AM an issue
Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick, ..... You can drop her off anywhere
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they`re going to put you in one.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I’ve finally decided to do something about my weight ... Lie.
Marriage...betting someone half your stuff you`ll love them forever.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.