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Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
I like you as a friend. Well, more like as a friend of a friend.
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
If I ask my dad to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It`s the button on the left!"
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
No one will ever look at you the way I do ... But thats probably because no one will ever do it from the tree outside your window