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"Slow and steady wins the race." Unless it`s one of those weird races that puts an emphasis on speed
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
**TORNADO WARNING** Everyone head to Giants Stadium. Safest place to avoid a touch down.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
Instead of having a child, I intend to spend my life acting like one.
If you think your wife has a sense of humor, try leaving a trail of rose pedals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes
Last week a 13-year-old girl became the youngest female to climb Mount Everest. She didn’t mean to. She was just texting her friend and the next thing she knew she was on top of Mount Everest.
I don`t know about you....but I have thought about running away from home way more as an adult than I ever did as a kid.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
He said he liked surprises, but when I showed up late at night dressed as a clown and knocked on his window, it`s all screaming and sh!t.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar