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You poor thing. You don`t even realize you`re batsh!t crazy, do you?
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like "Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot."
The trouble with going out in the cold at my age is by the time I get all bundled up, I’ve forgotten where I was going.
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Lord, it`s me... Can you close your eyes for a couple minutes while I deal with a slight problem?
I didn’t scream out someone else’s name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant…
"You should`ve come with us!" well, inviting me would`ve helped..
I`d totally order a salad bar. If it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.