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People who are about to tell you something then say "never mind" are the reason why I sometimes admire serial killers
Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Just seen a sign reading "PAY ATTENTION WHILE WALKING your Facebook status update can wait". While on Facebook on my phone. While walking...
My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
Look up from your phone… There’s some life going on around you.
Radio Shack has stayed in business with a name combining something no one buys anymore and a type of building no one wants to go into.
Karaoke bars combine two of the worlds greatest evils—people who shouldn`t drink with people who shouldn`t sing.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
The party`s not over `till you smile for the mugshot
I love sleep because its like a time machine to breakfast.
I wish I was full of tacos instead of feelings.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
I keep a second pair of shoes at work, I don`t want people to recognize me when I`m pooping.