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"I don`t know what the f*ck this tastes like." - first person to eat chicken.
You guys can laugh at my cargo pants all you want, but I just walked out of Taco Bell with 350 sauce packets.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but Iām still looking.
I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn`t think.
I don`t know about you . But everytime I go on Twitter , I get this weird feeling , I am being followed.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
I don`t know why I ever signed up for Facebook. I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!
When people say, "You look familiar," i like to reply with, "Do you watch porn?"
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.
You never know what you have until you clean your room.