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You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Despite the old saying, "Don`t take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
You`ll all be sorry when I figure out how to breathe fire.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Organized people are just to lazy to look for things.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
ooooh boy, Mother`s Day hangovers...always the worst huh?!
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
If I say "I don`t know, let me look", I`m really just spinning around in my chair a few times while you`re on hold.