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According to the squirrel riding a unicycle in my kitchen, I may have taken too much sleep medication.......
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Ladies: Sometimes you just need to throw your arms up in the air and say, "Tie me up"
Does Facebook have a “You’re not smart enough to be talking about politics” button?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I thought she would duck officer- me checking the psychic`s ability
Man: "You look nice today..." Woman: "Was I ugly yesterday?"
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Buys Mega-Millions ticket. Has a better chance of being hit by lightning in a cave.
I come from a long line of successful people. I have successfully stopped that tradition.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.