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Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
For daylight savings, we should move the clocks forward an hour on Monday at 9 AM so that we lose an hour of work instead of sleep.
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
I see your arguement contains a lot of swear words, you must really know what you`re talking about
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Own the day
My grandparents still use encyclopedias to google stuff.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
The pizza guy just said "see u tomorrow" ...
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
Facebook reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, `Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?`
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!