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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
If you can´t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don´t know where you are.
I wish there was more BitStrips and photos of giraffes on my Facebook
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
Seagull Manager; Someone who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everyone and then leaves.
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Nothing says lazy like laying on the couch making today`s responsibilities tomorrow`s problem.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I refuse to celebrate Earth Day until Wind & Fire are recognized.
Sorry I mixed 50,000 instant pudding packets into your above ground pool