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"I woke up with morning wood. She woke up with morning wouldn`t."
I’m not a marketing expert. But if I was selling milk, the cartons would be boob shaped.
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
Some people need to calm down, take a deep breath and then hold it for 20 minutes.
Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
That awkward moment when your screen freezes on a really embarrassing website
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Kicking a man while he’s down burns 150 calories.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
If you see me laughing like a crazy person, think nothing of it ..it`s just the voices in my head telling me jokes!
In my will, I´m giving $50 to anyone who wears a Scream costume to my funeral and doesn´t say a word.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
New Study: Long-term beer drinking can lead to depression, also known as "running out of beer."