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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Let`s talk about how fabulous u think I am.
The lack of a secret handshake makes me question the strength of our friendship.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
I don`t know why beer companies bother with an expiration date. It`s never going to make it anywhere near that.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Let`s fix the obesity problem AND improve eye-hand coordination by replacing vending machines with claw machines, make people earn snacks.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven`t memorized a phone number since 2001
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
My wife complains about everything I do. It`s like she doesn`t know there are "Sexy singles in my area" that want to meet with me.
My 17yo pretends he doesn`t understand how the washer works when I ask him to do the laundry Congrats, you`re finally a man
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets