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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
It`s weird how we are all here because of boners
Is beer cheaper on cyber monday?
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I`m not beating her.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment...
Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Please don`t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I`m awesome doesn`t mean I like you.
Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills. :(
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face…
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.