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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
When I arrive at work, how long can I spend screaming in my car before it becomes weird?
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, you’re probably really hot.
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Wouldn`t it be ironical to die in a living room?
I’d be 100x more motivated if Samuel L. Jackson yelled at me to get things done.
If your talking behind my back then guess what? Your in a pretty good position to kiss my a$$!!!!
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
When I started out, I was young and idealistic, I wanted a Career and to make a difference in the World, but it turned out that I only wanted Paychecks........
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
Look up procrastinator on Wikipedia. There’s a picture of me. Well there isn’t yet, but there will be. Probably by tomorrow. Maybe Tuesday.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!