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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
I like how Sesame Street just casually has a vampire hanging around.
When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should’ve listened the first time.
Car next to me in the liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has seven kids! ... I better get in there quick! She`s gonna buy it all.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don`t get married. If you are over 35, don`t get married. If you are 35, don`t get married.
Things I do everyday: 1.Get up 2.Survive 3.Go back to bed
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
My advise to all the young people out there, "Do not grow up; it`s a trap!!"
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
I should be ashamed of myself. Lets be clear, I`m not. But I should be.
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea? To make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?