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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
Babe, you look Hot! Is your air conditioner broken?
MAY` contain nudity? Either it does or it doesn`t. DON`T WASTE MY TIME
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
If you`re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
People are like slinkeys; they don’t really serve a purpose, but you can’t help but laugh when one of them falls down the stairs.
FYI, Target does not give prizes, no matter how many bullseyes you hit in the store with a paintball gun
You don`t even want to know the things I have done for a Klondike Bar...
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Can you shut up now?! Because talking to you sounds less appealing then playing leapfrog with unicorns.
i like boobs
If my ceiling fan could hold my weight, I would never be bored again.