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I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I’ve been in this McDonald’s restroom for over an hour, waiting for an employee to wash my hands.
Friends are like orgasms... nobody wants the fake ones.
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
1 in 5 bosses will let you leave work early if you claim to have `lady problems` then start crying. It works even better for guys.
Please respect the revolving door speed that has already been established.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Resisting the urge to write "Just shut the f*ck up" on someones status.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I have the means to do anything that I want on my day off from work which means that I dont want to do anything on my day off from work.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.