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Marco Polo must really hate sitting near a swimming pool.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I`m made of sarcasm, wine and everything fine.
I can`t get the cork off my dinner.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that
Note to future self: Tequila is a liar. You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I checked into a hotel this weekend. I told the girl I hoped the porn channel was disabled. She said "No, its just regular porn, you sicko"
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister
Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing
Iām in a rush to go home and do absolutely nothing.
We should be thanking our Dads for bringing us into the world, not our Moms. She probably wasn`t in the mood...