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I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
Do you ever go on youtube just to watch a music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
So what if I`m single now ... I mean it can`t be that hard to boil toast, can it?
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Being able to eat while watching Hannibal makes you more of a psychopath than anyone on the show.
Sometimes I write "This is a hold up. I have a gun." in the memo of the checks I write for people and pray they cash them at the teller.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
My wife treats me like a God…She takes very little notice of my existence until she wants something.
The only thing more amusing than someone leaving a voicemail is them asking if you actually listened to it.
Calories: the little creatures that go into your closet every night and hem the waistline of all your clothes inch by inch
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn`t around and you couldn`t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My "Savings Account" is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.