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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Today is International Women’s Day. It was actually supposed to be held 2 days ago but they took too long to get ready.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
You say I’m dirty minded, but how did you understand what I meant?
There`s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you`re blowing up a rubber glove.
Nothing like working out to make you feel like you deserve that burger and fries.
Facebook, the lost and found for people. . .
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
If I share my food with you, it’s either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don’t want it.
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
To all my ex girlfriends. Don`t worry. I`m still an asshole.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"