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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Thank God! the women with 3 boobs was a hoax... I just couldn`t wrap my hands around it....
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
“Was that lightning?” “No no…. they’re taking pictures for Google Earth..”
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
There is no such thing as failure. There are only results.
Can I have a free unlimited day trial of being attractive?
How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Good Morning! A fresh cup of hot coffee and my FB page is up, just look at that, I already achieved all my goals for the day.
Marrying your high school sweetheart is like taking the banker`s first offer on Deal or No Deal.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"