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I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
You are on the list of the many things I would do for a Klondike bar.
If thought bubbles appeared over our heads, I would get punched in the face a lot more.
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
Life is basically one long, terrible date with yourself.
We must STOP the driver of that bus that everyone keeps getting thrown under!
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
The only difference between Black Friday and a zombie apocalypse is that zombies don`t care if you get the last iPad Mini.
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
It`s always darkest before the dawn. So if you`re going steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s be the time to do it.
That awkward moment when kids see a toy they want on TV but the can`t get it because their parents must be 18 or older.
I’m on a forgotten-name basis with quite a lot of people.