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Wisdom is understanding that a tomato is a fruit, but you don`t add it in a fruit salad.
It`s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
This girl says she wants me to butter her muffin.. I don’t even know what that means but now I’m hungry.
It`s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren`t in the database.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Day 1-365: I am thankful for Veterans.
"I`ve never seen an angry stoner, see angry drunks all the time!" Clearly you`ve never tried to take a stoner`s nachos away.
I`d probably get a lot more done if it wasn`t for me.
Sorry I`m late, I didnt want to come
The wife has been missing a week now, police said to prepare for the worst, so I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now, he’ll never have any friends.