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FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Only thing harder than quitting cold turkey is quitting warm ham. It`s delicious.
Siri, destroy the vehicle in front of me.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
It`s amazing how important someone can make you feel with a smile, a kind word or the occasional stalking.
Yo! My friend won a trip to China. He´s out there now... trying to win a trip back.
The only time I proof read is to see how much alcohol comes in a bottle.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
Experience is what you get, when you don`t get what you want
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Just gave the Earth a one-star rating and a bad review on TripAdvisor to discourage any aliens that were planning an invasion.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.