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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
My favorite moment is the 5 minutes every day when coffee overlaps with wine.
Apparently there`s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
If they just built prisons out of the sh!t they package electronics in, no one could ever escape.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
I hate it when I don`t forward a chain letter and I die the next day.
Not to brag, but I’m pretty good in bed. I don’t snore or steal covers, and I only pee if something startles me.
One of the things I like to say to a girl after we have sex for the first time is "Hmm, damn weird... I heard you were better."
Just saw someone eat a kit kat bar without breaking off each individual piece and now I can`t stop twitching.
I read an article the other day that said if you drink every day you are an alcoholic. Thank God I only drink every night.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down post at night, so far I have: Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I don`t mean to brag, but my posts are enjoyed by well over 20 people worldwide...
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.