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Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can´t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Do you know what would really be fun? ... No really.. If you know, tell me.. I`m bored to death.
A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
Facebook is cheaper than therapy, twice as effective & you can do it naked.
Turns out I`m ambidextrous at yet another sport! And I even scored a bingo twice. Left-handed!
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much sh!t to carry.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.