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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Pet stores should post "Chameleon" on empty reptile cages just to see how long people would stand and look.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what’s going on and there’s a lot of wine drinking.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
Marijuana is a type of flower, therefore I am a florist not a drug dealer :p
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
Sometimes a special someone walks right into your life and helps you realize how much better your life was before they walked into it.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of why to wear condoms during sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.
You`d think the self checkout lanes would have more mirrors.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty