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I have many talents, but giving an f*ck isn’t one of them
Spinning in circles to get dizzy as a child was my first attempt at getting high.
If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
The early bird gets the worm. But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 10:30.
When I go through an automated car wash I close my eyes, because it`s easier to pretend I`m in a car that way.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
You don`t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, and you take all the covers with you.
If a turtle doesnt have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?
Being human is expensive and exhausting.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.