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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I am totally fleible.
Teenage girls hang out in odd numbered groups because they literally can`t even.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn`t just "lay in bed and watch TV all day" I traveled very far thank u
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Women say they love nerds until you whip out your Pokemon cards.
Before you judge me, know that I don`t give a crap. Ok, go ahead.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
I just made an emergency survival kit. You know, for emergencies. It looks like all my other kits, but don`t be fooled; this one is red and has more liquor.
If it wasn`t for claustrophobia, lack of intelligence, and my intense fear of floating poop, I would`ve made a great astronaut.
My boss yelled at me yesterday "It`s the fifth time you`ve been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?!" I said, "Probably that it`s Friday?"…