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Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Call me faithless, but I just can`t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Anyone says their wedding day was the best day of their lives has obviously never had 2 candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
Dear God, thank you for all the animals, and plants, and insects, but were spiders really necessary?
I get as much action as a white crayon.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
The grass is always greener where the bodies are buried.
I was trying to have a mature arguement but "look, you ignorant f*cktard" just popped out
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
It`s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he`s getting hit by a train.