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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Being normal? Ugh. I can`t imagine how awful that must be.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
My status would be a lot funnier if you could see my back-up dancers.
Size does matter ... When ordering a pizza
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy that just wanted to check out a girl’s butt.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.