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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Well, if you count Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" then yes, I do like opera.
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to "what would you do if you won the lottery"
I had the greatest bowel movement at 2am......unfortunately I woke up at 8am (<>..<>)
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
Whoever said "nothing is impossible" never tried to nail JELL-O to a tree.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
You know how sometimes as you fall asleep your whole body jolts you awake? That`s a ghost finishing sex with you.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.