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I try to avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they are in the middle of a race.
What is the difference between a trapeze artist and a supermodel?. The trapeze artist has a cunning stunt.
Mad respect to people who can stop eating when they`re full.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I wish I could write `` I Miss You `` on a rock and throw it at your face, so you can know how much it HURTS to miss you
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Happy "Another excuse to drink" Day!
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
So if your invited to someone`s 4th marriage is it wrong to give them a gift certificate to a good divorce attorney?
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
Meanwhile one million men got to enjoy a quiet afternoon at home without anyone nagging them.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
NO, I didn’t say you WERE stupid. I said, you ARE stupid. There is nothing past tense about it.