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I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips...
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Let`s party like there`s no tomorrow and call in sick if there is one.
Every club is a strip club, if you have the money. Every zoo is a petting zoo, if you have the balls.
Folding laundry with a toddler is like trying to straighten a desk full of papers while a fan blows on it.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
i make the other half of the Oreo watch.
Just once I`d like a doctor to tell me I`m not getting enough beer in my diet.
Be good ... or I will text Santa
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?