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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
i love you with all my butt. i would say heart but my butt is bigger :)
Going to: ? Paris ? New York ? London ? KITCHEN... I`m hungry
I hate it when I think I`m buying ORGANIC vegetables but when I get home I discover they`re just REGULAR donuts...
This Halloween, the only Candy I`m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
I swear if my memory gets any worse, i`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
A lot of people seem to forget their other four fingers when waving to me.
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?