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I will never be to old to laugh when somone farts in a public bathroom peeing..
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Got kicked out of Ziggy`s. " supposably" your not allowed to stand on their scales. Says I broke them. On the brighter side I weigh 135900 grams
Sometimes I like to hold the door for people who are far away so they feel obligated to run just a little. ;)
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no.” You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary
According to this bathroom stall,,, my ex changed her number again.
My bed is way more comfortable in the mornings than during the night.
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
Since it is the day to give thanks, I would like to say once again...you`re welcome.
I have no idea how I use to get around in the dark before I had a cell phone.
I may look calm, but in my head I´ve punched you in the face 3 times already!
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
You wanna know where I`m ticklish? Hawaii.