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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
I just found out people are playing golf online. And I thought my life sucked!
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Sometimes it`s fun to make fun of yourself. Almost as fun as it is to make fun of others.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
"Half a dozen" because saying `6` is way too long...
mermaids swim by twerking do you ever just think about that
I finally saw Kung Fu Panda. I`m certainly not an expert, but I thought the nunchuck scene looked kind of fake.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.