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Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
Imagine how bad it would be if everyone could hear what you were thinking.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
My left buttcheek fell asleep. I`m Half-a$$ing everything I do for the next ten minutes.
The neighbor`s cat seems to think my flower bed is his litter box. I`ll fix that furry little bugger. I mixed 44 packages of pop rocks into the soil. And now we wait....
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
The best curve on a girl is her smile ;) ... Lol just kidding!
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
My living room is pretty much a fat camp without rules.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
I`m pretty sure if you watched a movie of my life backwards it probably would be about a guy who refills beer cans and puts them in the fridge.
Just when I think I`m over my insomnia the car behind me honks.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around