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I got kicked out of my Community Theater group when the director asked to see me limp. How was I to know he was talking about walking??
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
Pro tip: Don`t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
There`s a sense of great satisfaction when I`m the tie breaker between `Funny` and `Not Funny` status updates.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
I wish I could just cut out the middleman and have the light honk when it turns green.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Bicyclists, it`s one thing to hog the road, but it`s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...