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Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
Nothing says you`re ugly like Facebook asking, "are you sure you want to make this your profile picture ?"
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m slightly inconvenienced and hungry.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
After visiting the gov`t healthcare site, I don`t know why I was so worried about their ability to spy on me...
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I`m 73.
Of all the grotesque sounds coming from the bathroom stall next to me, the camera click was the most disturbing!!
Sometimes I feel that I need someone special to complete me, but then I have a pizza and I`m like, "Nope. I`m good."
Dear sneeze, If you`re gonna happen, happen. Don`t put a stupid look on my face and leave
I`m awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" "Thanks, I grew it myself"
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
In "I am Legend" Will Smith lives alone for years. But then 24hrs after a woman shows up, he dies.....AND she stole his bacon