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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
You’d think “attractive neighbor leaves curtains open” would appear in more real estate listings.
How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don`t give a damn!
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
Sometimes it would be nice if the world had an off switch.
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just "Morning," don`t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ "Noon." Seriously, what did ya expect?
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough. Now I need a beer.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
F*ck you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you