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My dog`s ratio of digging holes in my yard to finding buried treasure is not where I`d like it to be.
I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Bending over ... preparing to do my taxes.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I like to think I`m special, because the thought of idiots like me existing in large numbers is f*cking terrifying.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
You say I’m not cool. But cool is another word for cold. If I’m not cold, I’m hot. I know I’m hot. Thanks for embracing it.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Lower your expectations and I will totally amaze you.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
My friend David had his ID stolen yesterday. We just call him Dav now