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If it weren`t for WebMD I would have never known what symptoms to mimic so I could get all these prescriptions from my doctor.
Sometimes I don`t go big just so I can go home.
96% of my life is spent trying to figure out when I can get my next nap in.
If electricity comes from electrons… does that mean that morality comes from morons?
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don`t have iPhone. 2) I don`t have a girlfriend.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
if your morning beverage isn`t half booze/half coffee, you`re doing Saturday wrong.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.
Thanks to the words “dude”, “bro”, and “man”, I haven’t said my best friends name in 10 years.