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Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I had to leave the bowling alley right in the middle of the game. I didn`t have time to spare.
Life is not like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalapeños, what you do today can burn your a$$ tomorrow
We can`t cure cancer, diabetes or PMS, but we have 10 different pills to make a mans happy place bigger.
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
I`m not sure it`s possible to fill a moving truck these days without the word "Tetris" being brought into the conversation.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
How come they didn`t call this years game the BUD bowl?
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
Sometimes I send status updates from my phone so it looks like I left the house.