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Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
At church they said the number of the beast is 666, but I stood up and said that`s not my wifes phone number.
You and I are just different. And by different I mean you`re stupid.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called Everything Else
I think my new Stress Management plan is going to be alcoholism.
Expect nothing and you`ll be impressed every day.
If it`s true that spiders are more scared of me than I am of them, why have I never seen a spider crawl away screaming like a little girl?
In my defense Your Honor, I thought she had been stung by a jellyfish.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.