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She might be ugly now, but wait a few more drinks.
I bet Jellyfish are sad that there are no Peanut Butter fish.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
Running feels great unless you compare it to not running
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
There is no number for what just happened in that bathroom.
I miss times when I was working at the zoo... my boss fired me just because I left the lion`s gate open.... I mean who would steal a lion
You’re lucky that I’m so terrified of prison.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.
I thought my life would include more impromptu sing-alongs.
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.